Dread

I spend a lot of my time with a stone blanket of dread.  It causes me to feel like my chest is being pushed in and my stomach is about to retch.

There's no reason for it. I just feel like I live in a perpetual state of anxiety and stress.  And don't even get me started on social activity. What should be pleasant social events make me feel like I'm marching off to my own execution.  I have absolutely no reason not to go and enjoy myself but there is a wall between me and any interest in actually doing it.

And I can't talk to anyone about it. My family needs the tent pole. Old friends are too far gone. 

Is it possible to be functionally depressed like it is possible to be a functional alcoholic?  

Can someone make it through the day, smile, participate in social activites, present positively, but be suffering with depression?

Can they learn the covering behaviors so as not to trouble anyone? 

Can depression go away and come back?  Where some days are fine and they’re consumed and interested in what’s going on, enjoying the people around them and they look forward to things, and other days are just bleak? Where they feel empty and overwhelmed and like there is some sort of generically ominous blanket over them?

Can it manifest by there just seeming to be no point? That every day is just a day with tasks to do and then you just repeat it over and over again?  Like it is totally pointless?  Like all they really do is survive another day until they finally die? Like there is no hope for them to ever feel better?  

Could it just be that they are exhausted and need some rest? Or that they have not processed bad things that have derailed their lives and careers?  Maybe the stress of covering and maintaining the cheerful exterior - of not admitting a trauma and trying to hold others up - wears them down emotionally and causes fatigue?

Maybe they’re just weaklings who need to toughen up and grow a pair.

I have a problem saying no

My wife just asked if we could go take the kids out to dinner. And I said no, we couldn’t afford it.

And now I am suddenly in the black dog’s clutches. Over a little thing. Money is tight and I’m trying to be conservative but we can pay the rent and all. It kills me to say no. I hate letting everyone down. And I know that’s stupid. But it makes me feel like a failure when I can’t say yes.

One thing

I am sure that I am unworthy and inadequate compared to my peers and friends.

I know that the whole “I’m a fraud” line of thinking is something common and something we all have to wrestle with. But I see people who have really done amazing things all the time and I think of how little I have really done.

For example, I have a college buddy who is about the funniest guy I know. He’s active in so many things and he complimented me when I joined the Knights and advised me to try to reach the fourth degree. Because he is already there of course. He got his law degree and actually practiced. He has the same political convictions as I do, but he is active and well-regarded in the party. We have walked the same path but I have sat apart, skimmed the surface and not really done much. He has dived in and been the kind of man we should all aspire to.

I’m such a fricken dilettante.

What a year

So it's been a weird year.

It started with the death of my father-in-law's roommate.  She passed away suddenly at about 60 at the end of January.  Her death exposed his very poor quality of life and serious dementia which she had been covering up to continue to live with him.

That led us to have to move him out of his apartment and into a senior living facility.  And to clean out his apartment.  And later to have to move him to an assisted living facility in Dallas.  We were finally happy with his living arrangements and having him 20 miles away instead of 250 when he suffered a series of strokes and died at the end of August.

In October, a friend of our younger daughter's died at 27 of a rare form of cancer.  In November, a friend of our elder daughter and son-in-law died in a car crash at 27.

We also lost a beloved little basset hound in April to cancer.

So that was a lot.

In July, I lost my job.  It wasn't my fault (although I'm sure everyone says that) so much as it was a political mess that I got caught up in.  But still, for the first time since 1986, I was out of work.  And still am, although I have been very close to a couple of great jobs.  That has been hard.  Money is tight but we might be able to still pull off Christmas.  Actually, we can definitely pull of Christmas, but perhaps not at the scale we did last year but enough to not let the family down.

We had some good things.  Our younger daughter got a great new job and business opportunity (and moved away from us to Houston) and our elder daughter got a big promotion and is now managing her company's business. The Wife and I had a couple of nice trips to Phoenix and to the Hill Country. Our new puppy has been a cheerful crazy source of smiles and happiness.  We're all healthy and that is a price above rubies.

In 2009, my life was a stressful mess.  Work was horrible and brutal and the finances at home were bad.  I reread The Power of Positive Thinking and reconnected to my faith.  And that has basically kept the black dog at bay through every challenge since then.  Being in a strong marriage has helped that tremendously.  Having someone always in my corner is a priceless blessing.

We've weathered this really well and maintained a positive approach.  I feel the black dog nipping at my heels sometimes but he is generally contained.

Tentpole

So it's my job to be the tentpole. I learned this job from my father. Everyone seems to need for me to keep them up and to never let their worlds seem fragile.

I started to say to my wife today that the burden was a little too heavy right now. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I have some sort of something in me that may need surgical investigation. Funds are always an issue. The whole family is stressed about something.

But honestly, it is too much for her too.

Who do I see when it's too much for me and no one can handle it when I break?

What did men do when it wasn't okay to be whiney weaklings like me?

My Dad always says "Drive On"

So I guess I'll just do that. Carry on.

Other People Are Better Writers

So this one time, a while back, I went to a talk by Guy Kawasaki at the Houston Technology Center. It was really cool to be there because I got to see a ton of people I only knew online. Sort of the Houston blogtelligencia. And I got to sit a few rows behind this amazing writer who goes by the nickname "the bloggess" but didn't get to actually meet her.

So, of course, everyone I met that night (or saw) became so much cooler and more worthy of reading their writings. None more than the bloggess though. She is blisteringly funny in a way I'll never be. But I do read her religiously even if I envy her breezy charm. And unique phrasing.

Today she wrote something about mental illness. It's at

http://thebloggess.com/2011/01/coming-out/

Go ahead. Read it. I'll wait. And when you're done, go ahead and read Lori's blog too. It's more important than mine.

So, I read Lori's blog because of my never met her friend. And it broke my heart.

My wife once told me about a fellow in our neighborhood who went out in his car and blew his brains out. The family was having money problems and he felt he had failed them. And she said "I can't understand how he could possibly feel that bad and do that, can you?" And I said, "no. it's very sad" but I meant and thought: "of course I can, every guy does."

I think occasional thoughts of suicide are not that unusual for the human condition. I think it randomly goes through our brains as options fly through them. I think some of us actually think about it for a few minutes. I think most of us reject it out of hand because what we're really wishing for is a break that will take the difficulties of life away, not the end of our lives. And for some, I think it is a real possibility.

Understand, I am not one of those people. It crosses my mind from time to time. But I know it to be an inherently selfish act and one that is never justified. I believe in living to fight another day. That nothing so silly as a pile of bills is worth dying for. But I totally get the feeling that failing the one's you love makes you worthless. Very little cuts me more than when I feel that way. And I get that if you teeter on the line between it crossing your mind and seriously considering it, it would be pretty easy to tip over the wrong way.

Sometimes I wish to be released from my burdens. And sometimes I forget my joys. And sometimes i whine here when it gets to be too much. But I won the battle over despair.

I got treatment for my depression a decade or so ago. And while I have bad days, and sometimes Churchill's black dog has me, I did what Lori asked us all to do and got help.

Please do so too...

Scrooging

So, before in my life i was pretty well done with Christmas for a while. I did the bare minimum of family stuff and otherwise basically ignored it.

I'd like to do that again for a little while. I treasure some of the moments when my family seems happy and content. I love seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing them laugh.

But I take no joy in the rest of it. It is duty, not fun. I'd cancel the whole shindig if I could.

Of course, what I'd really like to do is reboot it and make it smaller and gentler and less stressful. Make it more the religious holiday and less the crucial sales season to save the economy (not that I don't think saving the economy is important). I'd rather decorate on Christmas Eve and take everything down after the Epiphany. I'd rather see more hand made and thoughtful gifts and baked goods or more things done together than stress about how big a number we can make for the Christmas budget. I'd rather spend time with my wife than race around after her trying to keep up with her and maybe help a little.

I don't hate Christmas. But I dread it these days. It's pretty much only a chance to let people down by not meeting their expectations.

And the vacation and such I get is half gone before I get to breathe and rest a little. Honestly, I'd like to just take the wife and kids and head off somewhere quiet for a few days and just enjoy each other's company.

Have to go. Need to get ready for the next 27 things to do.

sigh.