The hardest thing about leadership is the public face.
When I'm down or discouraged or outright depressed I don't think there is a place where I can show it. At work I have to be a force of nature - cheery optimism is so crucial - my boss calls it the confident shrug. At home, when I am down it shakes everyone because I have so many things that are crucial to everyone's happiness and they have been so let down by so many others.
And so much of what sends me down is small and silly. I so miss having a Great Dane around I can't speak to it but there is simply no way I can have one again. It would be unfair and cruel to inflict one on my wife when she lacks the strength to manage one since she would be the person who spent the most time with it. I can't spend the kind of time with one I need to and a dog that size doesn't fit into my life anymore. I love our little hounds...but they just lack the presence of the big guys I enjoyed so much. I look at Dane stuff and I get sad. I see Danes and I am near tears. And I know that makes ME the person who sucks.
And I don't stay down but I do downcycle a lot. And all I can do is put the public face on and wait for those moments when I can be alone with the black dog.
