And so again

So, I just ran into a fellow who almost hired me and managed to blow a nice opportunity to visit. I just am too focused on the end goal - I suck at socializing pleasantly and making small talk. I just wish I was a smarter, better person.

How am I going to do better if I can’t stop being the same?

And ran into is a bit of nonsense. I saw where he was and walked past him as though I had just seen him. Bullshit is its own reward I suppose.

yeah

so i really need to stop sucking so much. and maybe provide for my family. find a way to let my wife vent her anger in a constructive way.

Gah

I don’t even know where to start. The horror of my daughter being raped won’t get out of my head. I have moments when I think about other things...even when I laugh and forget for a few seconds, but it’s like a burst of air lifted a tarp off me for a moment and then the blackness of this evil settles back onto my head.

The work thing is stressing beyond comprehension too. I cannot keep up with everything I need to do, I am totally dependent on the good will of a supervisor and a temporary assignment and I live in this brain fog where i cannot seem to ever get enough focus to get done what needs doing. And that carries over into my pathetic performance as father and husband and manager of the household paperwork.

And the finances. I cannot believe how much we spend and I don’t understand why I can’t slow it down.

And then I wonder why I have nearly constant debilitating headaches and why my chest hurts so badly I can’t sleep some nights.

And now. More travel. Yeesh.