Scrooging

So, before in my life i was pretty well done with Christmas for a while. I did the bare minimum of family stuff and otherwise basically ignored it.

I'd like to do that again for a little while. I treasure some of the moments when my family seems happy and content. I love seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing them laugh.

But I take no joy in the rest of it. It is duty, not fun. I'd cancel the whole shindig if I could.

Of course, what I'd really like to do is reboot it and make it smaller and gentler and less stressful. Make it more the religious holiday and less the crucial sales season to save the economy (not that I don't think saving the economy is important). I'd rather decorate on Christmas Eve and take everything down after the Epiphany. I'd rather see more hand made and thoughtful gifts and baked goods or more things done together than stress about how big a number we can make for the Christmas budget. I'd rather spend time with my wife than race around after her trying to keep up with her and maybe help a little.

I don't hate Christmas. But I dread it these days. It's pretty much only a chance to let people down by not meeting their expectations.

And the vacation and such I get is half gone before I get to breathe and rest a little. Honestly, I'd like to just take the wife and kids and head off somewhere quiet for a few days and just enjoy each other's company.

Have to go. Need to get ready for the next 27 things to do.

sigh.

Last Year

Every year, I promise myself this will be the last year of the stressmonster that is my life. While doing some work on this site I noticed I wrote this about this time last year:

"I know a year from now it will be okay."

And, of course, it isn't. I'm wrestling precisely the same problems in precisely the same way. Everything relies on split-second timing and everything must break just right to keep things from breaking altogether. Christmas is in the balance. I am in the balance. And the weight of the world - or at least my family - is on me. Or so it seems on those days when the wife is fighting her own depressions and issues and abusive behavior from her family.

And even though some things are much better (and I know they truly are), some things are much worse...much closer to the edge of failure...and I know that there are safety nets out there but invoking them (again) is just wrong for someone my age.

So, I've set a number of things down the right path and I know that even though it is highly unlikely that everything will be magically okay in a year, it is likely they will be somewhat better. But that is precious little comfort as I worry if my vehicle will hold together long enough to get to somewhat better, if I can pull off one more Christmas from the gaping maw of the disaster it could be and if I can keep the pains in my chest from becoming anything more than stress.

Yesterday I was literally reduced to tears by it all. Today, I have a strategy - not a good one but one that has a chance of getting me through December. But it still slides along the razor's edge with no tolerance for error or failure. And I'm tired of the bleeding that brings.

I do think things are really bad all around right now. Everyone seems to be holding on by a thread. And I know that the problems I face are not unique to me or to this time. But I spend too much time alone and I deal with too much that is one tick away from a major crisis and I am worn out. And bleeding. And in pain.

And whining. I feel like all I do is whine. But it is the echo in my head.

Sometimes it is too much. And sometimes, I wish the pain in my chest was something else. And then I will it not to be. Never to be. Because I know Christmas is more than money and that the family needs me more than gifts. I just doubt they know that it is ever something I have to choose.